domingo, 12 de abril de 2009

50 coisas para fazer antes de morrer

1. Ir a uma reunião de diretoria usando um sombrero e duas maracas.
2. Andar sempre com uma banana enfiada no ouvido.
3. E quando alguém perguntar que maluquice é essa, responder: “Não tô te ouvindo, tem uma banana enfiada no meu ouvido!”
4. Introduzir na empresa a Casual Sex Friday e obrigar todo mundo a trabalhar pelado.
5. Ser madrinha de bateria (não vale se você for mulher).
6. Usar um monóculo.
7. Usar uma piteira.
8. Usar uma bengala.
9. Usar dois monóculos, duas piteiras e duas bengalas.
10. Fazer uma compra no supermercado que deixe o sujeito do caixa completamente paranóico (cola de sapateiro, álcool, fita isolante, barbante, caixa de pregos, gaiola, focinheira, fósforos e um peixe cru).
11. Entrar na sala do chefe, olhar nos olhos dele e cantarolar uma vinheta do Enio Morricone (“uá uá... uáuáuááá).
12. Pedir um empréstimo ao seu gerente e explicar que você pretende pagar com o corpo.
13. Entrar numa cantina, amarrar a toalha xadrez na cabeça e gritar: “Aí, mulherada vagabunda, quando eu virar aiatolá, vocês vão andar todas de burka!”
14. Simular um orgasmo. No ônibus.
15. Fingir que é estrangeiro e falar num dialeto composto de combinações das palavras “catso”, “putadelamadre”, “puerra”, “modafôca”, “cabrônio”, “fucko”, “panaleiro” e “emtubadoire”.
16. Passar um dia inteiro imitando morto-vivo e murmurando “brain... brain...”
17. Imitar morto-vivo numa reunião de marketing e ganhar uma promoção.
18. Fazer citações de “Mein Kampf” em qualquer conversa sobre política.
19. Fazer citações de “Mein Kampf” em qualquer conversa.
20. Corrigir a pronúncia do seu nome: “Não é João da Silva, é ‘Zun-Han’ e ‘Dazilv’, com o ‘a’ final aspirado”.
21. Deixar crescer um cavanhaque e afirmar que você é o seu duplo malvado de um universo paralelo.
22. Comprar uma ilha com vulcão no meio, construir uma base subterrânea e planejar a dominação mundial.
23. Afirmar que você tem o poder de ler a mente das pessoas e concluir: “Agora, por exemplo, você está pensando que eu sou um babaca”.
24. Comprar uma escrava branca.
25. Vender uma escrava branca.
26. Trocar sua escrava branca por um anão amestrado.
27. Alugar o anão para o David Lynch.
28. Avisar ao David Lynch: “Só tem um troço, falar ao contrário é contra a religião do bostinha...”
29. No formulário de entrada nos EUA, quando perguntam se você pertence ou pertenceu a alguma organização subversiva, tacar lá: Organización Internacionale Revolucionária de Los Tocadores de Maracas.
30. Mentir que você comeu a garota mais gostosa da empresa.
31. Explicar que ela nega tudo porquê está perdidamente apaixonada por você, coitada.
32. Inventar um coquetel. “Morte em Stalingrado” (4/4 de vodca e uma azeitona preta boiando)
33. Plantar bananeira. Na reunião da diretoria.
34. Criar um grupo de super-heróis. Vagina Dentata, Ejakulator, Erectus, Orgasmatrom e Anal Queen.
35. Criar uma banda de jazz chamada The Parkinson Desease Jazz Band.
36. Criar uma banda punk chamada Hemorróidas Supuradas.
37. Criar uma banda psicodélica chamada Tatu Bola Azul Turquesa.
38. Criar uma banda de axé chamada Xibiu Xexelento.
39. Imitar Wittgenstein no programa do Faustão.
40. Imitar Emmanuel Kant no programa do Raul Gil.
41. Imitar Benito Di Paula no programa do Jean Paul Sartre.
42. Atear fogo às vestes.
43. Ir a um show do Chico Buarque e ficar gritando: “Caaaaantaaaaa saaaaampaaaaa!”
44. Duelar pela honra de uma mulher (que não seja a sua).
45. Conseguir uma cicatriz de duelo (que não seja a sua).
46. Usar fraque e cartola. Num Palmeiras X Corinthians.
47. Ir audaciosamente onde nenhum homem jamais esteve. Mas não contar pra ninguém.
48. Usar boina do Che Guevara e falar com voz de Pato Donald.
49. Escrever um livro no qual todos os personagens se chamam Estrôncio, inclusive as mulheres.
50. Simular um ataque epiléptico e depois dizer que é apenas uma nova dança inventada na Bahia.

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